I'm sitting here listening to Spotify, late 90's pop-grunge music I grew up with. I was hoping to be kid free starting this week but my son starts nursery (pre-school) next week. We're stuck at home as the car is getting a look over to make sure it's road-worthy, a yearly requirement in the UK called MOT.

Outside it appears Perpetual November has started early. Gray skies loom above just dark enough to threaten rain but never really do until you plan to go out.  I feel it bring me down. The weather is a stark difference from the unusually hot and sunny summer we had that everyone complained about. No one ever asks how I am, they just say "what's the matter with you?" in a negative unconcerned tone. 

Some of the music I liked and purchased, others were just part of life being beaten into your head on the radio. It's unreal how it dredges up memories. I vividly remember having breakfast, the radio always on, before walking to school in Duluth in the bitter cold of Northern Minnesota. I immediately remember the raging house parties, always going until sunrise, walking the halls at UMD, ski and bike trips out west; Crested Butte, Bridger Bowl, Breckenridge, Utah, and all the shenanigans that ensued with those. The good friends I made as well as all the characters and acquaintances that I crossed paths with. Change the time period of music, the memories adjust to coincide. Call me fuckin' Uncle Rico, but I miss those times. 

Sometimes I look back in regret. What if I'd have ran back then like I do now? Skied? What if I'd tried harder in class? Where would I be, would I be happier? Too late for that, there's no reason to live with regret, but I can't imagine I'm alone in thinking that way. 

I listen to the music and it makes me happy remembering things I could've forgotten but I also just want to shut it off, forget it, get out the door, run. Usually I run at 4am to be back before the wife and kids are up, invisible training, they can't call me selfish if I'm not interfering with them, I like that. Most days I run, once I've fully woken up, I'll briefly walk and look around. I smile and laugh. It's a glorious feeling that really can't be described. It's so peaceful out with no cars or people around, it's been dark which I've learned to deal with. Bats buzz by, I chase badgers along country lanes, rabbits dart away from me. Lately I've been running nearly every morning, that is until today. Sleep deprivation seemed to catch up with me. I'll definitely be back tomorrow. I miss that feeling. I want it back.