Boris got us in lockdown

Snap. We’re back in full lockdown. The night before the kids return to school and me back to regular work post Christmas it happens. England is shut down similar to the original lockdown last March. 6 weeks? 8 weeks? We’ll see. 

Kids are doing the home school thing but it seems a bit more organized and formal with more communication between the kids and teachers. It will be difficult again though working with two kids as my daughter, being special needs, does need almost full attention. The first day went well, let’s hope it stays that way. They both were psyched on the personal teacher messages they received. 

Hopped on the treadmill last night for a few miles which was good. I’m looking forward to getting outside though. I like the treadmill for watching videos but my system isn’t the greatest. I’ve got a smart tv on the wall but have yet to figure out how to get headphones hooked up to it. My computer is slow and old, as is my iPad, so it’s kind of pick the best shit from the pile! It’s been super cold for here and my daughter has been waking extremely early so morning running is out of the question for now. I do remember enjoying running during the first lockdown, it was so quiet, no cars or people. Bliss. 

Bouncing back quick with my strength routine. It’s surprising how much strength I didn’t lose with three months off and it always surprises me how little time a solid routine takes. 20 - 30 minutes. Been doing JKD every morning. Started putting on some meditative drum music and flowing with kali sticks. Called “karenza,” double stick shadow boxing is a common practice. It’s extremely relaxing and a fantastic way to wake up. Nothing better than a little coffee and karenza at 5am! 

Hardest part about these lockdown situations is seeing how much time I piss away on my phone and social media. I should be filling the boredom with productivity, not my phone, but with short moments of time throughout the day it’s hard not too. Also when you unknowingly crave social contact that’s the option it seems. I had deleted all major social media from my phone as it can really get me down but it’s back considering the lockdown. 

My day started a few hours ago, time to motivate the kids! 

Mental meltdown

I have been puking my mind out on here for sometime and rarely look back at what I’ve written other than race reports. A lot of it is me complaining about things, life stress. However, I’ve also put people down for seemingly no reason. It’s the oddest behavior and I’m wondering if this possibly has something to to do with my mental state, which I’ll talk about shortly, some way of coping with whatever. Wherever it came from I’m very sorry for this and feel like total dick, very unlike me. 

Speaking of mental state it’s been an intense couple weeks since my last post. Out of nowhere and no idea why I got hit hard with depression, negative thoughts ensued, and I end up talking to a few people from the mental health crisis team at the hospital. 

This has happened once before and I honestly have no idea why or where it comes from. In speaking with a mental health professional it’s possible I am extremely good at coping with trauma. However, that trauma doesn’t go away unless you talk about it. It’s “put on the shelf” in the back of your mind but never dealt with. After a while all these things build up and begin to surface causing these depressive episodes. 

My wife seems to think I’ve always had a mild depression, even before I lived here, which is also possible. I look back and think of how I was,  how I viewed life, among other things, and yeah, I could see that. I’m not discounting anything right now. I just want to get it sorted and be a better person. 

As my mind went south all running came to a halt. My head was not in a good place for a few days nor did my wife feel comfortable with me being out alone. I also just didn’t want to run. This all came at the peak of my training for Arc of Attrition. I had three 30 mile runs planned the week of Christmas and thought I was ready for them. 

After the fog in my brain subsided, fortunately Christmas Day was “normal,” I rearranged my training  and had everything lined up the following week. I just didn’t “want to” anymore though. I was like “fuck it,” 5 week taper until race day! I also had a solid feeling that the race would be cancelled. With so much of England under covid restrictions limiting travel a lot of the competitors couldn’t make the race anyway.

And yes, it happened. Rumors popped up on the Arc Facebook group and the RD made the call the next day making it official. They unfortunately were forced to cancel the race rolling all entries to next year. Good, bad, but the right decision. I wasn’t too bothered considering what I’d been through and having lost my drive.

Looking back I did realize I can train appropriately for one of these races. I managed, I believe, 10 twenty five plus mile runs leading up to the race. Previously leading up to other races  I’d ran maybe 3 twentys at the most. Very psyched on the Uphill Athlete plan I’d used.  I’d stuck to the program as best I could with the terrain I’ve got near me and managed to work around family and life. So all in all a positive outcome. 

I’m not sure what’s next now. It was a rare occurrence to actually have an event to look forward to. I’m in limbo now like everyone else. I’ve started up my body weight strength routine again, trying to focus more on Jeet Kune Do, and of course begin running again this week. The running focus as always is keep building that aerobic base and shoot for 40 mile weeks. Maybe begin run commuting to work again, at least while work is still on! 

As of Christmas Day my head has been in a good state. Prescribed therapy has begun and I feel good, but confused trying to sort it all out, wrap my brain around what happened and why. Many people are concerned which is great, but I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’m looking forward to straightening it all out and becoming a better person, husband, and dad. I’m really curious as to how this has been affecting me over the long term. So on with another journey in life.