Mental meltdown

I have been puking my mind out on here for sometime and rarely look back at what I’ve written other than race reports. A lot of it is me complaining about things, life stress. However, I’ve also put people down for seemingly no reason. It’s the oddest behavior and I’m wondering if this possibly has something to to do with my mental state, which I’ll talk about shortly, some way of coping with whatever. Wherever it came from I’m very sorry for this and feel like total dick, very unlike me. 

Speaking of mental state it’s been an intense couple weeks since my last post. Out of nowhere and no idea why I got hit hard with depression, negative thoughts ensued, and I end up talking to a few people from the mental health crisis team at the hospital. 

This has happened once before and I honestly have no idea why or where it comes from. In speaking with a mental health professional it’s possible I am extremely good at coping with trauma. However, that trauma doesn’t go away unless you talk about it. It’s “put on the shelf” in the back of your mind but never dealt with. After a while all these things build up and begin to surface causing these depressive episodes. 

My wife seems to think I’ve always had a mild depression, even before I lived here, which is also possible. I look back and think of how I was,  how I viewed life, among other things, and yeah, I could see that. I’m not discounting anything right now. I just want to get it sorted and be a better person. 

As my mind went south all running came to a halt. My head was not in a good place for a few days nor did my wife feel comfortable with me being out alone. I also just didn’t want to run. This all came at the peak of my training for Arc of Attrition. I had three 30 mile runs planned the week of Christmas and thought I was ready for them. 

After the fog in my brain subsided, fortunately Christmas Day was “normal,” I rearranged my training  and had everything lined up the following week. I just didn’t “want to” anymore though. I was like “fuck it,” 5 week taper until race day! I also had a solid feeling that the race would be cancelled. With so much of England under covid restrictions limiting travel a lot of the competitors couldn’t make the race anyway.

And yes, it happened. Rumors popped up on the Arc Facebook group and the RD made the call the next day making it official. They unfortunately were forced to cancel the race rolling all entries to next year. Good, bad, but the right decision. I wasn’t too bothered considering what I’d been through and having lost my drive.

Looking back I did realize I can train appropriately for one of these races. I managed, I believe, 10 twenty five plus mile runs leading up to the race. Previously leading up to other races  I’d ran maybe 3 twentys at the most. Very psyched on the Uphill Athlete plan I’d used.  I’d stuck to the program as best I could with the terrain I’ve got near me and managed to work around family and life. So all in all a positive outcome. 

I’m not sure what’s next now. It was a rare occurrence to actually have an event to look forward to. I’m in limbo now like everyone else. I’ve started up my body weight strength routine again, trying to focus more on Jeet Kune Do, and of course begin running again this week. The running focus as always is keep building that aerobic base and shoot for 40 mile weeks. Maybe begin run commuting to work again, at least while work is still on! 

As of Christmas Day my head has been in a good state. Prescribed therapy has begun and I feel good, but confused trying to sort it all out, wrap my brain around what happened and why. Many people are concerned which is great, but I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’m looking forward to straightening it all out and becoming a better person, husband, and dad. I’m really curious as to how this has been affecting me over the long term. So on with another journey in life.